That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
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Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Just got to our Airbnb!
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
A double negative is a big no-no.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Rambo Rambow
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore