Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
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“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours