GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
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it must be school picture day
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
*launders Kohls cash*
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
I missed you with all my darts
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
no one likes gloating
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
#Caturday
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!