texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
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We have a winner.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.