DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
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I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning