People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
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Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.