Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
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A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.