I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
You Might Also Like
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Jogging
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
it’s finally my moment to shine
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Heroic Misunderstanding
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful