HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
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E R: Y
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My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Always
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.