My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
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I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
I saw nothing
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively