Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
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dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
sigh
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
happy valentine’s day to me
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.