A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
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Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
become ungovernable
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality