He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
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Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”