FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
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OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
when you are just born a rebel
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs