“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
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my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.