Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
You Might Also Like
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”