Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
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RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband: