Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
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[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
This came to me in a dream.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now