[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
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It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Oh my God.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.