wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
You Might Also Like
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord