Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
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it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
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Me: Same
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight