The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
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You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
this post was so formative to me
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )