I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
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An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered