If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
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Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I can’t stop watching this.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!