Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
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“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
this makes me so uncomfortable
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”