Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
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doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!