Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
You Might Also Like
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank