If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
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*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
December birthdays be like…
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳