pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
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My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.