what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
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wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Please do it!
I’m not wrong
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms