Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
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Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.