I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
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[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Same pineapple, same