ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
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My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
sliding into dms like
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
you have three unread messages
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.