*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
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I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Not all heroes wear capes.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Taco Bell, Exit 22
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?