Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
You Might Also Like
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
checking out some reviews of my local library
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.