Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
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James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce