Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
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DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments