*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
what day is it?
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Last-minute gift idea!
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Extremely relatable.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.