AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
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STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too