Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
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I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles