When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
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I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Come back with a warrant
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Its true…
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.