(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
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I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.