[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
You Might Also Like
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search