The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
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The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
there’s probably a fee though
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells