Nice try Hitler
You Might Also Like
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
The internet is magic sometimes.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆