Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
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FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
What the hell happened here.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet