I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
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i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Do one person every day that scares you.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight