By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
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People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?