Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
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4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”