I think my mom just blocked me
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My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Not today.. 😂
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.